You’ve probably guessed from the title that this isn’t going to be one of my most cheerful posts, but please don’t be put off! As much as I want to write about the happy things in life, I want to be real on this blog. I want to talk about things that get me down and the things that scare me, maybe in the hope that writing these things down and sharing them will be helpful in some way.
I’ll be honest, I’m finding this whole adult life thing pretty tough at the moment. Since graduating I’ve gone pretty much straight into full time work, moved to a completely new place and I’ve also moved house twice all in the space of 6 months. It’s a lot of new things to deal with in such a short space of time. In some ways my mental health has been improving; having a schedule and being so busy kind of keeps my brain in check, but in other ways it making some things a lot harder for my head to deal with. If you didn’t already know, I suffer with health anxiety, general anxiety and OCD (this isn’t exactly an official diagnosis but things I have discussed at length with counsellors). I do want to go into some aspects of my mental health issues in more detail in a separate post eventually, but one big subject at a time! My mental health problems mean that I do get anxious about the house, my job, and just my life in general. I have an existential crisis about twice a week, the main one being: ‘is this really it for the rest of my life? Just working until I can retire, and then not even being able to enjoy freedom after that’s over because I’ll be too old and frail?’ Can anyone else relate to this? I hope it’s not just me.
From the outside it probably looks like I’m doing great. I don’t live at home, I can afford to not live at home, I’m in a long term relationship and living with my partner (and now a cat!!). Yes of course there are good things going on that I may be taking for granted, and I don’t mean to moan but there is a lot of responsibility that comes with all these things. It really isn’t easy! I wish school and even university had prepared me better for all of this. Paying bills can be so confusing, and I still don’t really understand how a boiler works….is that worrying? Probably. But now I understand why the adults in my life always told me I’d regret wishing I was an adult, because here I am wishing I could go back to being a kid with no bills or taxes to pay.
I don’t like to complain but I just feel a bit lost at the moment. I’m struggling with the present, still worrying about the past and terrified of the future. I want to have a life I can look back on and think ‘wow I’ve done some really awesome stuff,’ rather than ‘I just spent my life at work wishing the time away for that fleeting bit of freedom at the weekend.‘ I just don’t know what I want that awesome stuff to be yet. All I know is that I want to live, not just exist.
So if anyone reading this has any advice for me on how to make life feel a bit more meaningful and fun again, or more importantly can tell me how a boiler works, it would be much appreciated!
I’ll try and have a more cheerful post for you next time I promise.